Creep of the Week - The Bodily Excretions Duo

This creep of the week award is actually a tie. The two events were totally unrelated, but how can I show favoritism towards one bodily excretion over another? Exactly. I can't.

Award 1: To the man who left a big, steaming pile'o'poo in one of the subway tunnels. Thankfully, all I had to witness was you pulling your pants up.

Award 2: To the man who peed off of a moving subway car, then high-fived his friend.

Thank you, bodily excretions duo, for shedding some light on why exactly the subways always has a slight funk.

My Simple Guide to ... Becoming a Tourist Attraction

Step 1: Dress like characters from Scooby Doo.

Step 2: Stand anywhere in NYC.

Step 3: Smile, and revel in the fact that you are going to be a part of 50+ family photo albums.

Creep of the Week - Blender Lady

Another belated creep of the week award goes to ...

Blender lady. Picture this: it's around 2 on a Sunday afternoon. A woman, wearing black running pants, a black bra, and a black jacket tied around her waist picks up a piece of fruit from a fruit vendor. She keeps walking. She throws the fruit on the ground. She's trashed, and is carrying an open blender full of green drank. Some of her other antics included:

-Approaching groups of men and performing a "dance" which was really just an odd little shimmy. Offering the green drank to the men, who were then inspired to perform a similar dance.

-Walking in front of a white van, whose driver yelled out the window, "that's disgusting!" Then spitting on the van.

Thank you, blender lady, for being too drunk to notice that we started following you, just to see what you'd do next.

My Simple Guide to ... Riding the Subway

In general, I'd like to try to avoid this blog becoming an extended rant, but there are some things that just must be said. I by no means consider myself a New Yorker, and if I did, I probably wouldn't be all too concerned with subway etiquette. But I am.

Step 1: Do not push people out of the way in order to get on the train. Everyone can see that there's only one seat left anyway, and it's next to the guy who's ranting to an invisible companion about the diminished value of his "America" stocks (true story). If you're that tired of standing, for God's sake, just take a cab.

Step 2: When a woman who is old enough to have given birth to your great great grandfather steps on the train, offer her a seat. Forget the fact that it's just something a decent human being would do. When (note I said "when" not "if") she passes out and/or dies on that subway, you are definitely going to be delayed in getting to your destination; and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that everyone in NY is in a rush. Always. Perhaps a seat will give her the extra 5 minutes you need to step off the train.

Step 3: When sneezing/coughing/etc. please cover your mouth. I don't have anything clever or sarcastic to say about this. You're just gross if you don't, and I really don't want to get your saliva on my face (also a true story).

Step 4: Did you see the way I got out of my seat and stood near the door as we approached this next stop? That means I plan on exiting the train. Pushing me aside because I am in your way is not going to get you to your destination any faster. Especially because the door is still closed. Seriously, chill out.

Step 5: Stand aside. It's written on the floor for a reason. There is no conceivable way for you to board the train when you are forming a SWAT-grade human barrier against the people trying to leave the train.

And finally ...

Step 6: CTFO. I get it, it's annoying to have to wait for the next train. Been there, done that. But it's 6pm. A new train will come roughly 3 minutes from now. Making me lose my balance while walking up the stairs because you are running, shoving and yelling, "get the hell out of my way!" does not make me want to follow your instructions, as clear and concise as they may be. It does, however, make me want to clothesline you. You've been warned.

Creep of the Week - Man Who is Probably Not Color-Blind

This belated creep of the week award goes to:

The man who, upon seeing my purple dress exclaimed, "Mm! That is the color of royalty!"

Thank you, man who is probably not color-blind, for making me feel like a princess for a day. Granted, I felt like a British princess who is unable to escape the crowds/paparazzi/general creeps ... but I suppose an abused princess is better than no princess at all.